NONSENSE ON PAPER

© Caroline Heske 2001

First performed by Psychic Cat Productions at the Guild Theatre, Melbourne University, August 2001

Parts
The play is designed to be performed by six actors, three male and three female, the seventeen parts divided between them as follows:

1.	Leah / Fairy
2.	Chloe
3.	Cameron / Zyaci
4.	Maria / Aunt Suze / Tabitha / Manyra / Guard 2
5.	Derek / Tabidd / Guard 1
6.	Fred / Advisor / Radio Presenter

It involves pre-recorded the Fairy’s dialogue in Scene 3, so the actor can change back into her Leah costume.  

Set
•	Three doors which only the ‘imaginary’ characters use (Fairy, Chloe from scene 3 on, Zyaci, Cameron as Angel Clare, Tabitha, Manyra, Tabidd, the Guards, Fred, Radio Presenter, Advisor).  
•	Other exits for ‘real’ characters (Leah, Chloe, Cameron, Maria, Aunt Suze)
•	Writing class
•	Leah’s desk
•	Cage, Guillotine
•	Fairy garden

SCENE 1

Classroom.   Maria addresses audience as they enter.

MARIA
Please, find a seat.  This is creative writing.  This will be our introductory class—we’ll set the boundaries.  I realise a few people will be late, that’s fine.  Don’t feel uncomfortable.  Just take a seat.  We’re embarking on a creative journey (etc.)  Introduce yourself: name, course, favourite postmodern theorist…

Maria ad libs, if it’s a small house she can ask them to move forward and to the middle.  When the audience has finished entering the usher can cue Derek to follow them in through the same door.

MARIA
Hi, I’m Maria.

DEREK
Derek.

MARIA
Derek?  Excellent!  It’s good to see a boy joining the class.  We don’t get nearly enough boys.

Chloe enters.

CHLOE
Hi, is this creative writing?

MARIA
Take a seat.  And you would be?

CHLOE
Chloe Anderson.

MARIA
Welcome to creative writing, Chloe.

Leah and Cameron enter, arguing.  Leah carries a huge pile of drafts.

CAMERON
Leah, you’re being silly.

LEAH
No, this was a mistake.

CAMERON
It was your idea.

LEAH
I know!

CAMERON
Come on, how bad can it be?

LEAH
I don’t think you realise what these people are like.  They don’t want to read my stuff.  They want to read post-modern, feminist, ethnically aware panegyrics to drug-addicted, homeless single mothers suffering from unrequited love.

MARIA
Creative writing?

CAMERON
That’s us.

MARIA
Come in.  Take a seat.  What are your names?

CAMERON
Cameron Evans.

LEAH
Leah Sheahan.

MARIA
Well, I think we can get started.  My name’s Maria.  This is my first year teaching in the department.  I’ve had one book published—

CHLOE
The Jumbuck and the Silver Spoon?

MARIA
Yes.  You’ve read it?

CHLOE
I loved that book!  You captured the middle class politics so brilliantly.

MARIA
I don’t want to set myself up as an authority figure here.  The thing about writing is that we all have something to offer—a personal interpretation. I hope to provide an open environment, where everybody’s work can be valued without preset criteria.  I’m very excited.  So… if you could just pass around this handout, it has the reading guide and the assessment details for this semester.

They pass around Maria’s hand-out.

I won’t insult your intelligence by going through it.  We only have a twelve week semester, less because of the long weekend.

DEREK
As a lecturer, you must find that so frustrating.

MARIA
I’m afraid the Admin gods have spoken.  Now, if we could—

DEREK
No, you shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of thing.  There’s a meeting in Joe Nap straight after this.  I’d encourage everyone to attend.  I have some pamphlets…

CHLOE
You’re organised.

DEREK
I see it as my duty to encourage more students to stand up for their rights. 

MARIA
Thank-you Derek.  Now I notice some of you have brought your writing in—Leah, Chloe?  Would you mind if we had a look this class?

CHLOE
Could we?  I photocopied mine just in case.  I’ve been going over it, but something seems to be missing.

MARIA
Wonderful!  If you could pass that around the class could start reading while I photocopy Leah’s.

Chloe hands around her piece.  Leah extracts a few pages from the middle of her drafts and gives them to Maria.

Wonderful.  I’ll be back in a few minutes and we can discuss Chloe’s piece.

Exit Maria.   Everyone reads.  Cameron makes an obvious pretence of reading, but the other characters are too busy to notice.  He taps his fingers, looks around.  Fred, Cameron’s father, enters from one of the back doors of the stage and marches up to Cameron.  The other characters act as if Fred isn’t there.

FRED
What is this?

He tries to take the sheet from Cameron, but Cameron snatches it away.

What do you think you’re doing in a writing class?

CAMERON
Leave me alone.

Chloe, Leah, and Derek look up.

LEAH
Did you say something, Cam?

CAMERON
Just thinking aloud.

Chloe, Leah, and Derek go back to their reading.  Fred moves to stand behind Leah.

FRED
She doesn’t know, does she?  You haven’t told her.  Well, of course you haven’t.  You’re weak.

Cameron makes a point of concentrating on Chloe’s piece.

You know I’ll be waiting for you when you get home.

Exit Fred.  Enter Maria.

MARIA
Here we are.

She hands around copies of Leah’s piece.  They continue reading.  Cameron fidgets, looks at his watch.  Leah notices and shoots him a warning look.

CAMERON
What?  I’ve already read it.

LEAH
It’s a new version.

MARIA
Have we finished?

CHLOE
Almost.

MARIA
Half a minute more?

Chloe nods.  Leah glares at Cameron.

CAMERON
I’m reading it, okay?

Leah opens a bottle of Diet Coke.

CHLOE
How can you drink that stuff?

LEAH
It’s an acquired taste.

CAMERON
She’s an addict.

LEAH
I am not!  I can stop any time I want.

MARIA
So, let’s begin with Chloe’s.  (She pauses.)  Any comments?  (Long pause as everyone is reluctant to be the first to speak.)

DEREK
It was inspirational.  Where did you get the idea?

CHLOE
My aunt has a pub in Deniliquin.  I used to go there as a kid and it was always filled with the craziest people.

MARIA
You’ve really captured it.  The description is sparse, but the details you’ve left out just add atmosphere.

LEAH
They do, don’t they?

DEREK
Oh yeah, it’s got great atmosphere.

MARIA
I think this story has a lot of potential, Chloe.  Your descriptive prose is very evocative.

CHLOE
Thanks.

MARIA
I look forward to reading more.  Now, Leah’s piece.  It’s going to be difficult for me to comment cause I’m not familiar with the fantasy genre.

CHLOE
Oh, I’ve read fantasy.  I used to read it when I was fifteen.  It’s so cliched.

DEREK
Isn’t it!  And so elitist.

CHLOE
And the women are all either prissy maidens or evil bitches in leather.  Fantasy is an inherently misogynist genre.

LEAH
It can be a bit like that, but I think—

DEREK
I’ve always thought it establishes a quasi-postmodern dialectic between the real and the unreal that masks the capitalist propaganda lurking in its repressive and self-reflexive subtext.

MARIA
What do you mean, quasi-postmodern?

DEREK
Oh, you know, the peasants.

LEAH
I know there are some awful writers in fantasy, but I think you get that in every genre.

MARIA
And I think we should confine ourselves to commenting on Leah’s story.

LEAH
Oh, I forgot to say, there’s kind of a prologue which comes before this which explains—

MARIA
Leah, you should have given us the prologue.

LEAH
You can read the first chapter without it.  I just thought—

CHLOE
Look, I don’t want to sound critical here, but do you need a prologue?

LEAH
Well, I’ve tried it both ways and—

CHLOE
It’s just that fantasy always has these fucking mystical prologues.

LEAH
Mine’s not mystical.  It’s more of a pre-novella.

DEREK
Even so, if you can’t launch straight into a story, you’re starting at the wrong place.

CHLOE
And while we’re at it, I just have to mention the guilds.  Why does every fantasy world have to have fucking guilds?

DEREK
And peasants.

CAMERON
It’s not that bad.

CHLOE
You have an orphan and there’s a prophecy she’ll marry a prince… gee, I wonder what the story’s about.

LEAH
Maybe she won’t marry the prince.

CHLOE
Then you’d be letting down your readers.  Reader expectation.

MARIA
Look, Leah, I think what’s coming across is that your piece—

LEAH
Sucks?

MARIA
No, just that we don’t have the experience to comment.  The focus of this class is really on writing as a literary form.  But I’m sure your novel will be a success.

CAMERON
Definitely!

MARIA
It’s more likely than anything here to make a million bucks.

CHLOE
Oh yeah, I’m sure it will sell.

DEREK
Don’t you hate that?  Don’t you hate the way the market works, where serious authors can’t even live off the sales from their books?

MARIA
Alright, I guess that wraps things up.  I’m sorry if you felt like you were under attack, Leah.  I want us all to remember that every kind of writing’s valuable.  And Leah, you can look at this as an opportunity to extend yourself and… aim a little higher.  Derek and Cameron, try to get me something before the next class.  You can leave it in my pigeon hole.

Blackout.  Exit all.

SCENE 2

Enter Chloe.  She dumps her bag.

CHLOE
Hi, I’m home.  Mum?  Anyone here?

She slumps in a chair by the telephone, pulls out her diary and begins checking off items.

Post letters.  Done.  Ring Simon and apologise for Saturday.  Done.  Ring Aunt Suze…

She picks up the phone and starts to dial, then puts it down.

I need to work out what I’m going to ask.  “Hi, Aunt Suze, I have to write a piece for uni and…”  Oh, too childish!  “Aunt Suze, it’s Chloe.  I’m working on a novel about the hardships of Australian rural life and…”  Is that patronising?  I don’t want to sound patronising.

Enter Radio Presenter from back door of the stage with headpiece and microphone.  He takes the chair next to Chloe.

RADIO PRESENTER
Welcome back everybody to our special addition of Great Australian Literature.  Today we are lucky to be talking to the famous Chloe Anderson.  Now Chloe—can I call you Chloe?—you’re known for revolutionising the quality of Australian literature, how did you get your start in the writing industry?

CHLOE
Well, Peter, I don’t like to think of it as an industry.  I prefer to think of writing as a form of community expression.

RADIO PRESENTER
Thanks to you, Australian literature has escaped the sordid clutches of global capitalism.  

CHLOE
Anyone could have done it, really.  I just had a vision.

RADIO PRESENTER
I have a fifteen year old niece, and she tells me you’re her greatest inspiration.  How does that make you feel?

CHLOE
It just blows me away, that I could reach out and give someone hope.  It’s what keeps me going through the hard days.

RADIO PRESENTER
Now Chloe, your novel, Bush Billy Tea – The Story of the Craziest Pub in Deniliquin, has been the number one bestseller in Australia for 416 consecutive weeks now.  When you were writing it, did you anticipate the critical and popular acclaim?

CHLOE
It’s funny, but I did.  I could feel in my heart—this is it.  This will be something big.

RADIO PRESENTER
The New York Times, The Age and Farrago have all called it—“a masterpiece.  The Great Australian Novel we’ve been waiting for.”  How does this make you feel?

CHLOE
Well, Peter, I feel validated.  Because, you know, I don’t do it for the money.

RADIO PRESENTER
It’s interesting you should mention money, because I’ve heard you give all the money you make to charities.

CHLOE
Yes, I give some to the Red Cross, some to Amnesty International, and some to “Write on!” a fund to support emerging writers.

RADIO PRESENTER
Incredible.  Well, it’s been a privilege talking to you, Chloe, and thanks for coming on the show.

Exit Radio Presenter.  Chloe gazes after him wistfully.  The phone rings.  She picks it up.

CHLOE
Hello?

AUNT SUZE
Chloe, darl, is that you?

CHLOE
Aunt Suze!  I was just about to ring you.

Enter Aunt Suze.

AUNT SUZE
Really?  What for?

CHLOE
I’m writing a story, actually.  About you and the pub.

AUNT SUZE
Me and the pub!  Why’d you want to write a story about me?

CHLOE
Stories don’t have to be about grand adventures.  They can be about real life.

AUNT SUZE
Don’t get me wrong, Chloe sweet, I’m flattered and all, but geez!  Gonna be a pretty fuckin’ boring story, if it’s about me.

CHLOE
Well, I thought—

AUNT SUZE
I mean—  Fuck, it’s pretty routine here.  Though we have footy tipping on the weekend.  That can be pretty exciting.  But still, I don’t know you could get a story out of it.

CHLOE
I suppose I’m going to try.  Seriously, Aunt Suze, I really want to write this.  I remember when Mum used to take me up to your place for the holidays—

AUNT SUZE
I know what you could do.  June’s lent me this book—great book!—one of those romancy things, only this one’s got a twist.  It’s about vampires.  Now I know it’s probably not what you’re used to reading, but it’s really good.  I was really surprised.  I thought: Vampires!  You’ve got to be shitting me.

CHLOE
I’m sure it’s very entertaining, but I’m aiming for something more realistic.  I remember going to your place for the holidays and watching everyone.  It was fascinating.

AUNT SUZE
You!  I remember you.  No, as soon as we blinked you’d be off out the back door and into the garden.  You’d go out there and play games, all by yourself.  Your Mum thought you were a bit funny, but I said—Ann, she’s just a kid.  Kids play.   She’ll grow out of that.

CHLOE
Yes, but I also used to—

AUNT SUZE
I remember, I came out there one day and you were hiding in the bushes, talking to yourself.  You were always talking about fairies.  Fairies this.  Fairies that!  You’d just sit out there and chatter away.  I s’pose you thought you were talking to them.

Enter Fairy 

CHLOE
Okay, now you’re just embarrassing me.

AUNT SUZE
Do you still do that?

FAIRY 
Yes, Chloe, do you still do that?

CHLOE
Do what?

AUNT SUZE
I suppose you’re a bit too old.

FAIRY
Too old to be seeing fairies.

CHLOE
Definitely too old.  Come on, Aunt Suze, I’m twenty-one!  I’m way past the fairies at the bottom of the garden stage.

AUNT SUZE
Don’t get your knickers in knot.  It was a sign of creativity.  As I used to say to your Mum, you’re an artist.  Artists aren’t like us normal people.  They’re a bit mad, a bit off the wall because they’re possessed by this creative vision, they’re a bit…

FAIRY
Crazy?  Are you crazy, Chloe?  Seeing fairies at the bottom of the garden?

AUNT SUZE
…crazy, I guess.  Anyway, is your Mum there?

CHLOE
No.  No, she’s still at work.

AUNT SUZE
Damn.

FAIRY
Chloe’s here all by herself.  It must be lonely.

CHLOE
Shhh!  Artists aren’t crazy, Aunt Suze.   Art isn’t about talent, it’s about skill and hard work.

FAIRY
Is it about passion?

AUNT SUZE
I dunno.  I don’t think I could ever write stuff like you do.  Anyway, tell your Mum I called.

CHLOE
Oh.  Sure.

AUNT SUZE
Love you, sweet.

CHLOE
Love you.

Aunt Suze hangs up and exits.

FAIRY
Well, that didn’t go quite according to plan.

CHLOE
Go away.

FAIRY
And by the moon the reaper weary,
Piling sheaves in uplands airy,
Listening, whispers, “ ‘Tis the fairy
		Lady of Shalott.

CHLOE
You’re not the Lady of Shalott.  You’re a figment of my imagination.

Leah/Fairy Queen starts poking through Chloe’s stuff and unearths Tess of the D’Urbervilles. 

FAIRY
The outskirt of the garden in which Tess found herself—

CHLOE
What are you doing?

FAIRY
Tess of the D’Urbervilles.  Is this your guilty little secret?

CHLOE
What’s that supposed to mean?

FAIRY
A sensational romance?  “The worst libel on English maidenhood that has ever been penned”?  Quite frankly, Chloe, I’m shocked!

CHLOE
Thomas Hardy is an eminent nineteenth century realist, who integrates his settings with his story and uses them to mirror the developments of his characters.  Of course, he’s limited by an antiquated notion of art as a means of duplicating reality, but you can learn a lot of technique from old writers.

FAIRY
Incredible.  You just suck the fun right out.

CHLOE
There’s more to life than fun.

FAIRY
There’s more to a book than words.  This is a key.  A gate.  A world.

CHLOE
Right.

FAIRY
You could slip through and lose yourself in the pages.

CHLOE
That’s just escapism.

FAIRY
You don’t see it yet, but I can show it to you.  I can thread you into the story.  Everyone is woven in eventually.

CHLOE
Fine, go and do some weaving.

The Fairy holds up needle and thread and advances on Chloe.

FAIRY
There she weaves by night and day,
A magic web with colours gay.
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay.
Quiet now.  This will only hurt a little.

Black out.  Chloe screams.  Exit Fairy.

SCENE 3

VOICE-OVER (will be part of music)
The outskirt of the garden in which Tess found herself had been left uncultivated for some years, and was now damp and rank with juicy grass which sent up mists of pollen at a touch, and with tall blooming weeds emitting offensive smells—weeds who red and yellow and purple hues formed a polychrome as dazzling as that of cultivated flowers.

Fairy-world lighting.  Chloe is sitting in the middle of the stage holding some wilted flowers and her book.  She wears a simple shift.  She looks around, not quite sure where she is and how she got there.   Words from the book are projected over the stage.  She stands up and starts to explore, but whenever she gets too close to the wings, she hits an invisible wall.

Cameron enters in the character of Angel Clare from Tess of the D’Urbervilles.

CAMERON
What makes you draw off in that way, Tess?  Are you afraid?

CHLOE
Excuse me?

CAMERON
It’s me, Tess.  Angel Clare.  What’s the matter?  Don’t you know me?

CHLOE
I’m Tess Durbeyfield!

CAMERON
Of course you’re Tess Durbeyfield.  What a queer thing to say.  And I’m Angel Clare.

CHLOE
No you’re not.  You’re that boy from the writing class.  Cameron.

CAMERON
Tess, are you feeling ill?

CHLOE
(Pushing him away.)  No.  Stop it!

Chloe starts looking for a way out.  Cameron notices her book and flowers lying on the ground.  He picks them up.

CAMERON
Are these yours, Tess?  This book has no words.

CHLOE
What?

FAIRY (voice-over)
No words.  It’s blank.

CHLOE
What did you do?  I want to wake up!

FAIRY 
You can’t.

CHLOE
You’ve put me in Tess of the D’Urbervilles!

FAIRY 
How do you like it?

Cameron exits, puzzling over the book.

CHLOE
I don’t!

FAIRY 
I thought you liked the book.

CHLOE
The book, yes.  But I don’t want to be Tess of the D’Urbervilles.

FAIRY 
Why ever not?

CHLOE
She dies.

FAIRY 
Very romantically.

CHLOE
She dies!

FAIRY 
If you don’t like it, find another story.  There’s plenty of them down here.

CHLOE
Down where?  Where am I?

FAIRY 
The Fairy-tale.  You’ve fallen through the cracks between the words.

CHLOE
Well, I want to get back out.

FAIRY 
No one ever gets out of a fairy-tale by wanting to.

CHLOE
How, then?

FAIRY 
You need a magic key.  And to find the key, you need a quest.

CHLOE
Oh, this is ridiculous!

FAIRY 
Well, that’s the way it’s done.

CHLOE
Why?  Why is it done that way?  You see, this is why I hate fantasy.  There is no reason to have a magic key.  Magic keys never solve anything!

FAIRY 
And the protagonist always protests.

CHLOE
So where is it then?

FAIRY 
Actually, it was in the book.

Chloe looks for the book and realises it’s gone.

CHLOE
Which is gone.  Typical.

FAIRY 
You better start finding it, then.

CHLOE
It doesn’t have to be this way.  You set the rules.  I could just tap my heels three times and say ‘there’s no place like home.’

FAIRY 
You could…

CHLOE
At least tell me where he took it.

FAIRY 
What makes you think he took it?

CHLOE
Did he?

FAIRY 
Who?

CHLOE
That man.  

FAIRY
Which man?

Cameron.  Angel Clare.  Whoever he was!  You know who I’m talking about!  Did he take my book?

FAIRY 
Nnnnnnnnnnn…  Yes.

CHLOE
Where did he go?

FAIRY 
It wouldn’t be much of a quest if I told you, now would it?

CHLOE
Oh, fuck this.

Chloe exits.  Lights out.

SCENE 4

Leah’s pacing back and forth across her bedroom, holding a can of diet coke.

LEAH
(Imitating Maria)  “I believe every kind of writing’s valuable, Leah.  I just hope you’ll aim a little higher.”  Okay, calm down, calm down.  Too much fucking  caffeine.  (She takes a swig of diet coke.)  “I’ve read fantasy, it’s so fucking cliched.”  Oh yeah, I should have written a tale of public transport, or a peppy update of the bible.  No-one writes about those things.  I should have delved deep into profound truths about middle-class Australia, and explored the significance of that crack in the pavement, of the… the… (She looks at the can in her hand.)  …the corporate logos in the gutter.  This is so fucking stupid!  What is wrong with me?

She lifts her draft in front of her and stares at it.  

Oh honestly, what am I trying to write here?  15th century Melrose?

Leah scribbles out the lines she just wrote.  She leans back and squeezes her eyes shut.  The spotlight comes up, and Chloe wanders into it.  

LEAH
Oh, great.  Just who I want to think of.

CHLOE
You!

Leah stands, wanders over and circles Chloe curiously.  Leah takes a plastic princess circlet and puts it on Chloe’s head.  Chloe collapses.  When Leah starts speaking she takes on the character of Princess Samarey.

LEAH	
Princess Samarey.
Princess Samarey’s ambition drove every
	Thought she had.  The eldest daughter of several,
	She strove for excellence, placing her heart and
	Mind at the service of her brother, the King.
	Why do you do it, Samarey?  Loyalty?

CHLOE
	What choice do I have?  He is my family.
	I taught him as a child, and I teach him still.

LEAH
	But it bothers you, doesn’t it?  That he spends
	His reign in childish delusions.  You believe
	You would do better.

CHLOE
				I would.  But I would not
	usurp his place.

LEAH
			Even if you should?

CHLOE
						Never.		

LEAH (Aside.)
	Admirable loyalty.  I should test it.

CHLOE
	He trusts me.  He will do as I advise him.

Enter TABIDD.

TABIDD
	Samarey!  Sister!

CHLOE
			Brother, you’re back early.
	I thought you were visiting the low country.
	Did the peasants fail to keep you company?

TABIDD
	Samarey, you are a cynic.

CHLOE
	Better than a romantic fool.

TABIDD
	Then you may be displeased to hear I’m married.

CHLOE
	Married!  To whom?

TABIDD
	Manyra.  A cobbler’s daughter from Lehier.

CHLOE
	A trader!  Tabidd, you are losing your mind.

TABIDD
	I am in love.  You should be happy for me.

CHLOE
	Since you destroy our family legacy
	I shall say what I please.
	You are in love with the idea of love.

TABIDD
	Hypocrite!  Have you bought us an alliance?
	Or born sons to take the throne when I am gone?  No!
	You scorn marriage and hide here in this temple
	Talking philosophy like a General
	Who fears to take the field.  What of your duties?

CHLOE
	I am sorry, sire.  I’ll go to the whorehouse,
	Clothed only in patriotic fantasy,
	And lie there till I give birth to an army!

TABIDD
I don’t care what you say.  I’m marrying her.

CHLOE
I thought he’d already done that.

LEAH
No he hasn’t.

CHLOE
I distinctly remember him saying so.

LEAH
I think I’d know what I’ve written.

CHLOE
Check page four, genius.

LEAH
Well, he is supposed to be mad.

TABIDD
I’m mad?

CHLOE
There’s this thing called reader expectation, Leah.

LEAH
Shut-up.

TABIDD
I’m mad!  I think this character would work better as a hunchback.

Tabidd starts capering madly as a hunchback.
 
There once was a fantasy writer
Whose future loomed brighter and brighter.
	She forgot what was said
	About when the King wed
	And the story turned triter and triter.

LEAH
Oh, come on…

TABIDD
I’m sorry.  I can’t hear you.  Can you speak a little louder?

CHLOE
(To Leah.)  Not very good at this, are you?

TABIDD
There once was a girl called Leah
Who thought she might have a career—

LEAH
Alright.  That’ll do.

TABIDD
I can’t help myself.
She wrote a word each day
And saved them away
But all she had was nonsense on paper.

LEAH
I made a mistake.  You’re not mad after all.

TABIDD
Oh, but I am!  

He starts wandering around, imitating a bird, miming a beak with one hand.

CHLOE
(To Leah.) You really ought to see a therapist.

LEAH
How about we just be sensible for a moment and figure this out.

TABIDD
What was that?  (He pretends to listen as his beak hand talks in his ear.)  Well, I can’t just ignore her.  

LEAH
Guys, please.

TABIDD
(Listens again.)  Yes, I know she has issues.  (Listens again.)  Alright.  (Turns to Leah.)  What is the difference…

CHLOE
This had better not be a riddle.

TABIDD
What is the difference between a duck?

LEAH
What?

CHLOE
Between a duck and what?

TABIDD
Aha!

CHLOE
That makes no sense.

LEAH
Alright, that’s it!  Both of you, get back in your places and shut up!

Tabidd and Chloe/Samarey resume the positions they were in before the diversion.

Now where were we?

TABIDD
	(In a deliberate monotone.) I don’t care what you say.  I’m marrying her.

CHLOE
	(Similarly.)  I thought he already had.

They look to Leah.

LEAH
I’m thinking.

TABIDD
(To Chloe/Samarey.) It was actually a joke.  I’m not marrying anyone.  I just wanted to get you riled up.

CHLOE
Great one, bro.  I almost fell for it.  You get me every time.

Chloe & Tabidd laugh forcedly.

LEAH
I don’t think so.

CHLOE
Oh for fuck’s sake, just delete the inconsistency.  Stop dramatising and just do it!

LEAH
Alright!  (To Tabidd.) You say, “I don’t care what you think.  I will marry her.”

TABIDD
	I don’t care what you think.  I will marry her.
	You will reconcile with the idea in time.
	If you don’t, I am sorry—I don’t want to
	cause you worry—

Tabidd pauses to check Leah’s not watching, then reverts to his mad hunchback self.

but I will not change my mind.

Exit Tabidd.

LEAH
Oh, that’ll do.

Leah scribbles the last few lines down on paper.

CHLOE
Bravo.  You’re not a total failure.

LEAH
Thanks.

CHLOE
Leah, where’s your friend?  Cameron.

LEAH
He went to his parent’s place, I think.  Why?

CHLOE
He has my book.

Exit Chloe.

SCENE 5

Enter Cameron.

LEAH
Hey Cam!  Guess what?  I’ve just written a new scene and it’s brilliant.  Brilliant!

CAMERON
You’re going to show those bastards?

LEAH
Fuck them.  How did things go with your parents?

CAMERON
On a scale of one to ten…  Shit-house.

LEAH
I warned you not to go.  Didn’t I warn you?

CAMERON
You warned.

LEAH
So what happened?  Your dad go off at you?

CAMERON
Oh, he never ‘goes off’.  He just sits there and breathes disdain.  

LEAH
So I suppose you’re crashing here.

CAMERON
You’re a true friend.

LEAH
And don’t you forget it.  So tell me what happened.

Cam’s parents, Fred and Tabitha, enter with the props for the living room.

CAMERON
Family stuff.  Very boring.

LEAH
Bore me.  I like to be bored.

CAMERON
I don’t know what I complain about.  They’re the picture of domesticity.

Spotlight up on Fred & Tabitha.  Fred sits in the armchair as though he’s watching television.  Tabitha stands beside him.

FRED
Cameron?

CAMERON
I get home.

Cameron picks up his bag and walks over to his parents.

Hey.

TABITHA
Cameron!  You’re just in time for tea.

Cameron dumps his bag.  Tabitha shuffles up to Cameron and kisses him on the cheek.

CAMERON
Smells good.  Roast?  I haven’t had meat in days.

FRED
You’ve been seeing that vegetarian girl again, haven’t you?

TABITHA
What’s her name?  Linda?

CAMERON
Leah.

TABITHA
Leah!

FRED
So have you been sleeping there?

CAMERON
Yes.  Sleeping there.  “Sleep” being the operative word.

FRED
You know what her mother does?  Gives taxpayer’s money to degenerates in one of those… drug hospitals.

TABITHA
They’re called rehab centres, dear.

FRED
Don’t glamourise.  They’re a desperate bid for hippie voters.  What kind of girl grows up with a mother like that?

CAMERON
I think I’m old enough to choose my own fucking friends.

FRED
I’m sorry?

CAMERON
Nothing.

FRED
My father used to take a belt to me when I talked back.

CAMERON
Look, as soon as I find a place, I’m moving out, so I won’t be a burden on you much longer.

TABITHA
You’re not a burden to us, sweetie.

FRED
How do you expect to support yourself?

CAMERON
I have a job.

FRED
That’s not a job—it’s one step away from the gutter.  When I left school, I found a well-paid job as a junior manager.

CAMERON
Yeah, well I’m not you.  And there aren’t so many jobs around these days.

TABITHA
Fred, we have to try to understand our son.  I’ve been reading—

FRED
Our son deserves a good belting.

TABITHA
Now you’re being silly.

CAMERON
You want to belt me?  Go on, try.  It’s called assault.

FRED
Don’t be ridiculous.  It’s parental discipline.  A father has a right to discipline his son.

CAMERON
Really?  Do you want to find out?  I dare you.

TABITHA
Cameron!

CAMERON
No, really, I’m glad I came home.  I wouldn’t want to miss seeing my father commit an indictable offence.

FRED
The State has no business interfering in my home.

TABITHA
Well, it’s not too often we get to have dinner altogether these days, so I won’t have you spoiling it with unnecessary arguments.

Fred looks back to the TV.

Fred?

FRED
What?  Yes, alright.  (To Cameron.)  You watch yourself.

CAMERON
So what did you do today, Mum?

TABITHA
Oh, aren’t you a sweetie.  I had a lovely day with the girls.  We caught the bus to Southland and spent the afternoon there.  I got my nails done.

FRED 
Waste of money.

TABITHA
What was that dear?  Anyway, I had a lovely time.  Just lovely.  Don’t tell your father but the girls almost persuaded me to dye my hair.

FRED 
What would you want to dye your hair for?  It’s perfectly fine the way it is.

TABITHA
Sometimes I like to look sexy.  (To Cameron) I got a push-up bra too.  Does wonders.

CAMERON
Mum!

FRED 
We don’t have money for you to just throw around, Tabitha.

TABITHA
We have enough not to live as martyrs, dear.  Cameron, can you set the table sweetie? 

Tabitha exits.
 
CAMERON
So, what are you watching?  Dad?  What are you watching?

FRED 
It’s a biography of Sir Donald Bradman.  Amazing man.  You could do worse than to have him as a role-model.

CAMERON
Is it good?

FRED 
Of course it’s good.  It’s about the Don.

CAMERON
That’s the New World Symphony.

FRED
You’re not thinking about that music course again, are you?

CAMERON
No, I was just saying—

FRED
Because we’ve been over this.  If you want to pursue some arty-farty dream instead of taking some real responsibility, then you pay your own way and you don’t expect me to approve.

CAMERON
Fuck you!

Tabitha re-enters.

FRED
Excuse me?

TABITHA
Cameron, I need you to set the table.

FRED
Nonsense.  We’ll eat it in front of the telly the way we always do.  Cameron, I want an apology.

CAMERON
I’m sorry, mum, I’m leaving.

TABITHA
But you only just…

FRED
If you walk out that door, that’s it, Cameron!  I won’t support you any longer.

CAMERON
I don’t need your fucking money!  I’ve got a job, which will pretty much cover it, since money is the only fucking support I get from you anyway.

TABITHA
Cameron, sweetie, your dad’s serious.

CAMERON
I’m serious!

TABITHA
Sit down and have some pasta.  We can talk this through.

CAMERON
Why?  Are you going to actually help me out this time?  Exercise some independent thought?

TABITHA
Cameron!

CAMERON
Or are you just going to go along with everything he says?

FRED
Apologise to your mother immediately.

CAMERON
Are you just going to let him speak for you?

FRED
Cameron, I’m going to count to three…

CAMERON
And then what?  Beat me up?

FRED
I’m warning you…

Cameron picks up his bag, and starts to leave.

TABITHA
Where are you going?

CAMERON
Down Acland Street to whore myself out.  The pay’s better.

Cameron walks back over to Leah.  

FRED
Leave him, Tabitha.  He’s just going through a phase.

Enter Chloe.  She initially doesn’t see Cameron and Leah, only Tabitha and Fred.

CHLOE
Excuse me, I’m looking for Cameron.

FRED
Cameron’s gone.  Ungrateful brat.

TABITHA
Aren’t you a lovely girl!  What’s your name?

CHLOE
Chloe.

TABITHA
Chloe!  Fred, her name’s Chloe.

FRED
Well, what’s she doing in our living room?

TABITHA
Oh, I always wanted a daughter.  Fred, wouldn’t it be lovely to have a daughter?

CHLOE
Did Cameron happen to leave a book here?

TABITHA
Cameron doesn’t read.

FRED
Shhh, woman!  You just go about telling family secrets to every stranger you come across?

TABITHA
This isn’t a stranger, Fred.  This is Chloe, our new daughter.

CHLOE
Tess of the D’Urbervilles.  About so big.  He took it from me—

FRED
Stole it?

CHLOE
No, it was a mix up.

FRED
Hardy, eh?  I’d think that would be a bit beyond our young Cameron.

CHLOE
I don’t think…

TABITHA
He’s dyslexic, dear.

CHLOE
Dyslexic?

TABITHA
The words don’t stick.  But you can read, can’t you?

CHLOE
Could you just tell me where he’s gone?

FRED
To see that vegetarian girl, I imagine.

TABITHA
Linda!

CHLOE
Leah?

TABITHA
Leah.  Of course!  I asked Leah if she wanted to be my daughter but she said she had too many things to do.

Chloe sights Leah and Cameron on the far side of the stage.

CHLOE
Cameron!

Cameron doesn’t respond.  Chloe walks towards him but runs into an invisible wall in the middle of the stage.

TABITHA
I told her I wanted a baby.  I really wanted a baby.  Coo, coo, baby.  Who’s a pretty little girl?

FRED
What do you want a baby for?

TABITHA
But she ran away.

Tabitha picks up a knife.

You won’t run away, though, will you, Chloe?  We’ll tie you here and then you’ll stay.

Tabitha advances on Chloe with the knife.

CHLOE
Cameron!  Leah!  Can you hear me?

TABITHA
You’re in such shabby clothes.  I want my daughter to look like a princess.  I have such lovely dresses for you to wear.

FRED
Quiet!  I’m trying to watch this.

TABITHA
Come along.  You don’t want to make your father mad now, do you?

Chloe shakes her head.

Good girl.  If you keep being good, you can have a lolly when we’re done.

Chloe shakes free and runs out one of the back doors. 

LEAH
You got kicked out?

CAMERON
I left.  There’s a difference.

LEAH
Oh Cam, I’m sorry.

She hugs him.

CAMERON
Oh god, I’ve fucked up, haven’t I?

LEAH
No, this was inevitable.

CAMERON
Why is he such an arsehole?  I don’t understand.  What makes a person…?  Oh, never mind.

LEAH
Tell you what.  We’ll vanquish him.

CAMERON
What?  Like with a duel?

LEAH
No, (she puts on an ominous voice) with the power of our minds.

CAMERON
I see.

LEAH
Seriously, you’re all wound up.  It’s just insecurity.  What you need is an alternative Cameron.  A Cameron who faces adversity with valour, confidence, and witty comebacks.

CAMERON
That Cameron only exists in my head.  When I’m drunk.

LEAH
Right, then we have to dredge him out of your subconscious.

She stands up and wanders over to Fred.

Come over here.  Good.  Now we have to clear out your mind.  Clear out all the junk.  We need a blank canvas.  Shut your eyes.

Cameron shuts his eyes while Fred exits with the props.

Got it?

CAMERON
Yeah.  I’m a blank canvas.

LEAH
Let’s see.  I know!

She runs over and fetches a sword from under her bed.

You’re a warrior.

Leah gives the sword to Cameron.

CAMERON
I don’t think I’m the soldierly type.

LEAH
Brilliant!  You’re a soldier with a sensitive side.  You take care of stray kittens.  You defend them from rabid puppies.  You talk to them with your psychic powers, moulding them into an army, a secret army of cats drawn from the back-alleys of Melbourne.  Like this…

Leah stares intently at an imaginary cat.

CAMERON
I don’t think so.

LEAH
Come on.  Psychic cats!

CAMERON
I refuse to be Psychic Cat Man.

LEAH
Alright, but you’re still a soldier.  You’re a musician who has been forced, by duty, to be a soldier!  You’re serving your penance.

CAMERON
I thought this was supposed to be an improvement on my life.

LEAH
And your name’s Zyaci.

CAMERON
What?  Why?

LEAH
Because it’s a good name for a musician serving penance as a soldier.  Plus, I thought of it this morning, and I’ve been wanting to use a name that begins with ‘Z’ for a while.

CAMERON
So why am I serving a penance?

LEAH
You did something wrong.  You betrayed someone!  No, they’d execute you for betrayal.  It’s a military state.

CAMERON
We’ve gone off to Leah-land, haven’t we?

LEAH
	Your cousin betrayed Jempara City
	She opened the gates as you all lay sleeping.
	If a wand’ring boy had not heard her footsteps
	And raised the alarm, ev’ryone would have been killed.
	They executed her—hanged her from the tower
	Battlements with a noose of her own hair.
	Grief-struck, love-struck, you protested her innocence,
	But only drew suspicion upon yourself.

CAMERON
You’re obsessed with death, you know.

LEAH
Everyone appreciates a little sensationalism.

CAMERON
But you relish it.

LEAH
Quite possibly.  You know, this has given me an idea.  I think I can work Zyaci into my story.

CAMERON
As the brave, smashing romantic lead?

LEAH
Something like that.

CAMERON
I want the glory.  None of this brooding over my dead cousin crap.

LEAH
(Deep in thought.) Mmmm.

CAMERON
And you promised witty comebacks.

LEAH
Yeah.  Yeah.

CAMERON
I’ll just go make myself up a bed in the spare room then, will I?

LEAH
Oh!  Sorry, I got distracted.  I was meant to be helping you.

CAMERON
I think I’m helped.

LEAH
No really, I didn’t mean to blow you off.

CAMERON
I’m pretty tired.  I’ll feel better if I just get some sleep.

LEAH
Alright.  I’ll see you in the morning.  You know you can stay here as long as you need.

CAMERON
I know.  Thank-you.

Cameron exits with sword.

LEAH
Good-night.  Don’t let the bed-bugs bite.

SCENE 6

LEAH
Zyaci…  Zyaci…  Oh, that’s such a good name.
	And moving thro’ a mirror clear
	That hangs before her all the year,
	Shadows of the world appear.
Does a sword…?  No…  Does a weapon…?  Does a weapon have any right…?

Cameron re-enters as Zyaci, wearing a full length cloak, upstaging Leah as though he doesn’t see her.  When he speaks, he uses a French accent.

ZYACI
	Does a weapon have any right to beauty?
	This is merely an instrument, like any
	Other instrument.  I play it for the crowd.
	Does it matter if my song is writ in blood?

LEAH
Is that meant to be a French accent?  Why do you have an accent?

ZYACI
	I do not believe we’ve met.  What is your name?

LEAH
My name?  That’s not…
	Monique.  I am a Healer with the Temple.

ZYACI
	And do you come to taunt me, Healer Monique?
	Sorry.  You don’t deserve my cynicism.

LEAH
	Or your shallow mem’ry.  When I first came to
	Jempara City, I was only sixteen.
	I stayed in a tavern, all alone between
	The lordlings and their whores.  You were kind enough
	To make sure the innminder did not cheat me.

ZYACI
	I remember.

LEAH
	Do you still play?

ZYACI
	A violin is not much use in a war.

LEAH
	You do not approve of the King’s invasion?

ZYACI
	Our Officer says war makes or breaks a man,
	But I do not care to be made or broken.

The sound of a gong plays offstage.

LEAH
	I have to go and prepare for the wedding.

ZYACI
	King Tabidd’s wedding?  Tonight?

LEAH
	Princess Samarey has asked me to attend
	As her guest.  I would be a fool to offend her.

ZYACI
	Tonight, before you go, may I see you?

LEAH
	Are you propositioning me, Master Cade?

ZYACI
	Does that surprise you?

LEAH
			We’ve barely even met.

ZYACI
	I know you talk as though you see me clearly,
	Eyes not clouded by my cousin’s betrayal.

The gong plays again.

LEAH
	I must go.

ZYACI
	Till tonight then.  Aurevoir!

Exit Zyaci.  Exit Leah back to her desk.  Leah yawns, shuffles her papers, and exits.  Enter Chloe, still in Leah’s story.

CHLOE
Hello?  Leah?  Cameron?  Great!

Exit Chloe.  Blackout.

If the play was to be run with an interval, this would be the end of Act 1.

SCENE 7

Leah’s room.  Cameron sits alone with pen and paper.

CAMERON
Write something.  How the hell am I meant to write something?  I can’t even think of something to write about!

Bored, he taps out a rhythm on his hand.  Sound cue: the same rhythm is echoed back.  He taps something else out, and again it gets tapped back.  This happens a few times before the sounds cues take over and Cameron just mock conducts.

Enter Leah.  Cameron has his eyes shut and doesn’t notice her.

LEAH
If only I had a camera.

Sound cues cut out abruptly.  Cameron looks embarrassed.

CAMERON
Leah!  You’re home.

Leah dumps her bag, stretches and sits down at her desk.

LEAH
So what was all that about?

CAMERON
Procrastination.  I find that study, sufficiently avoided, can produce all the effects of failing.

LEAH
Were you composing?  Can you play it for me?

CAMERON
It’s just in my head.

LEAH
Sing a bit.

CAMERON
Are you on drugs?  You’ve heard me sing.

LEAH
Holy crap, you are paranoid!  Come on, just a few bars, to give me an idea.

CAMERON
Okay!

He sings a few bars.

There you go.  Happy now?

LEAH
I like it.  It sounds like something you could dance to.   Hey, how’s your piece going for class?

CAMERON
It’s getting nowhere fast.

LEAH
I know the feeling.  You start off with a vision, but three paragraphs in all you can see are words.  Suddenly you’re thinking about sentences and grammar.  You get trapped in this cycle of analness.  Like the Lady of Shalott.

CAMERON
The Lady of what?

LEAH
The Lady of Shalott.  She was locked in a tower, doomed to watch the world and weave it into her story.  But she was never allowed to look up, she only glimpsed it through her mirror.  She was cursed.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she weaveth steadily,	
And little other care hath she
		The Lady of Shalott.

CAMERON
What was the curse?

LEAH
Unrequited love.  She died.

CAMERON
You know, you really ought to lighten up.

LEAH
I can be light.  I wrote a new scene—using Zyaci.  He has a love interest.

CAMERON
Really?  Can you make her look like Charlize Theron?

LEAH
No.  Her name’s Monique.  Do you want to read it?

CAMERON
Is the rest of the story finished?

LEAH
Define finished.

CAMERON
I told you, I’m not reading anything until it’s finished.  Otherwise you’ll just make me read it again.

LEAH
Which would evidently be a chore.

CAMERON
Come on, Leah, you can’t expect me to read every single thing you write.

LEAH
I know.

CAMERON
Besides, I’ve got to go to work, so right now I don’t have the time to read anything.

LEAH
Sure.  You get out of it this time.

CAMERON
Here, give me a hug.  We have to part on good terms.

They hug.

You’re the best friend I could ever have.

LEAH
I know.

CAMERON
See you tonight.

Exit Cameron.  Leah takes a scarf and impros with it for a while, imagining herself talking to Zyaci.

Zyaci enters.

ZYACI
Hello, Monique!  Bonsieur!

LEAH
Zyaci!  How did you get in here?  The Temple
Gates have been closed since an hour before sunset.

ZYACI
	I said I’d meet you…  Alright, I bribed the guards.
	But they were half drunk.
	They didn’t even remember who I was.

Leah notices some sheafs of music manuscript sticking out of Zyaci’s pocket.  She takes them out.

LEAH
	What’s this?

ZYACI
		I just had an idea for a piece.

She hums a bit—it’s the tune Cameron composed.

LEAH
	It sounds familiar.  Can you play it for me?

ZYACI
	But I didn’t bring my violin with me.

LEAH
	Damn.
If it’s true what I hear, you don’t need it.

ZYACI
	You know I’m not allowed to use my magic
	It was the first condition of my penance.

LEAH
	No one will hear, they’re all in the hall for tea.

ZYACI
	Alright.  But if I do, you must dance with me.
	Would you dance with me, Monique?

Cue music.  Zyaci & Leah dance.  The end of the music thins out and stops quite abruptly…

ZYACI
	That’s all I’ve written.

LEAH
	It’s amazing!
				
ZYACI
		Thank-you.  It still needs some work.

LEAH
	You shouldn’t be a soldier.

ZYACI
				But I am.

LEAH
						No!
	I will speak with the King and try to persuade
	Him to lift your penance.

Leah strides over to her desk and starts ruffling through her draft.

ZYACI
				Is that possible?

LEAH
I don’t see why not.  Maybe the story shouldn’t be about war at all.  Maybe it should be about love.  

ZYACI
	Oo-la-la!

LEAH
Eew!  A romance.  With Cam!  What am I thinking?

ZYACI
	I brought you something, Monique, a curious
	New invention, born of some rebellious
	Scrollmaker.  I found it in a garden and took
	It to observe more closely.  It’s called a book.

Zyaci gives Leah Chloe’s book.

LEAH
	This is a strange device!  And it has no words.

ZYACI
	When I first found it, I thought it was absurd.
	They take paper sheets and bind them in leather.

LEAH
	It’s like a hundred scrolls all threaded together.
	What would I write, though?

ZYACI
			You could write down your thoughts
	And then hold them like a mem’ry in your hand.
	See?  The pages are begging for a story.

A gong sounds.

LEAH
	Zyaci—

ZYACI
	I know.  You must go to your Royal wedding.

LEAH
	I was going to say thank-you.

They kiss.

CHLOE (offstage)
	Monique!  Are you up here?

Zyaci exits as Chloe enters. 

CHLOE
Who was that?  Did you have someone in here?

LEAH
No!

Chloe walks over to the door Zyaci vanished through and yanks it open, sticks her head through, but gives up when she can’t see anyone.

CHLOE
This is ridiculous.  I can’t believe I’m stuck in your stupid story.  This is all so childish!

LEAH
Now you really do sound like that Chloe girl.

CHLOE
Maybe because I am.

LEAH
Yeah, you’re Chloe magicked into my story by dark and unspeakable arts, forced to endure my cliches for all eternity.   

CHLOE
I hope not.

LEAH
You should be glad you didn’t get sentenced to eternity in the most boring pub in Deniliquin.

CHLOE
And miss out on the chance to be a stereotype?  No, I’m having too much fun with simple plotlines and cardboard characterisation.

LEAH
You just trash my work because you can’t come up with anything creative of your own.

CHLOE
You’re right.  I’m particularly jealous of your stilted dialogue.

LEAH
You haven’t written the Great Australian Novel yet, you know.

CHLOE
Well, at least I’m trying, rather than constructing my own self-indulgent universe.

LEAH
It’s not self-indulgent.

CHLOE
Right, the fact that I’m immortalised as the evil bitch is sheer coincidence.  Bad me!  I’m so mean and nasty!
 
LEAH
There’s nothing wrong with drawing on experience.

CHLOE
And let me guess, there are men falling all over you.

LEAH
Of course not.  I’m not that shallow.

CHLOE
I suppose you’re having an affair with the king, or with your friend, Cameron.

LEAH
Do you ever get sick of your own pretentiousness?  I can’t believe I’m even having this conversation!  You’re not even there.

CHLOE
What’s next?  Oh, a wedding.  How original!

LEAH
(Sitting at her desk.)  I’m not listening to you.  (Writing.)  Chapter Four.  The Wedding.

CHLOE
Catchy title.

LEAH
(Writing.)  Princess Samarey leaves for the wedding.

Leah looks up, Chloe’s still standing there.

Princess Samarey leaves for the wedding now.

Chloe’s legs start to move of their own accord, dragging her towards one of the back doors.

CHLOE
I’m getting really tired of this!

Exit Chloe. 

LEAH
So, what does this wedding involve?  The King 

One of the doors opens to reveal Tabidd.

is marrying a cobbler’s daughter.

Another door opens to reveal Manyra.

No, something’s wrong.  It can’t open with the Royal couple—everyone else has to be there first.

Manyra and Tabidd shut their doors and exit.

Who else is there?  Myself.  And Princess Samarey, of course.

A door opens to reveal Chloe.

CHLOE
So this is the wedding?  Haven’t done much with the setting, have you?

LEAH
Oh, god!  I’m going to lose it!

Chloe exits, shutting her door.

Maybe I need a new character.  Someone to screw over Princess Samarey.  What about an honest yeoman?

Advisor (who is a yeoman at this stage) opens a door, cue Irish gig.

Why would a yeoman be at the royal wedding?

Music stops.

Maybe if Princess Samarey brought him…

Chloe enters.

As a consort.

CHLOE
Please!
	I would not have a yeoman for a consort.

ADVISOR
	Not ever? 

CHLOE
Not even as a last resort.

Exit Chloe.

LEAH
	What about the queen?  He could be her brother.

Enter Manyra.  She and Advisor join hands.

ADVISOR
	I could even be her passionate lover.

CHLOE (sticking her head back in)
	The King would insist on wedding a virgin.

Enter Tabidd.

TABIDD
	Why don’t you make him my Chief Royal Surgeon?	

LEAH
	He’s not your Surgeon.  (To Advisor.)  And you’re not her lover.

ADVISOR
	I could always be the cross-dressing mother.

CHLOE
	So is he a royal sympathizer?

LEAH
	Perhaps he’s the King’s most trusted Advisor.

ADVISOR
	With hidden ambition and a sneering voice?

CHLOE
	What a strikingly unoriginal choice.

TABIDD
	I could do with some advice from time to time.

LEAH
	The perfect position for white-collar crime!

ADVISOR
	I want a library with a secret door.

LEAH
And a secret lab! 

ADVISOR
And a booby-trapped floor.

CHLOE
	Your ideas are as bad as David Eddings.
	And wasn’t this chapter about a wedding?

TABIDD
	Darling, come here.  

Enter Manyra.

You’re going to be my queen.
	Can I wear ermine trim with red velveteen?
	If I’m going to get married, I can’t wear this.

MANYRA
	And I’ll need a crown.  We should make a list.
	We’ll need six hundred page-boys and two golden rings,
	Food for a banquet—

TABIDD
				And a stallion that sings.

ADVISOR
	Dancers.

TABIDD
		And acrobats!

MANYRA
				And free bread and wine.

TABIDD
	It might be too much with the singing equine.

Exit Tabidd and Manyra together.

CHLOE
	Oh god, is that really the best you can do?
	Because if it is I’m embarrassed for you.
	This story’s the schlockest of fantasy schlock.
	Take this into class and expect to be mocked.

LEAH
	Why are you stuck in my head?  Please, go away.
	My ego can’t handle your bitching today.

ADVISOR
	Excuse me?  What am I meant to be doing?

CHLOE
	I think we just wait until she’s stopped stewing.

LEAH
	Advisor, retire to your favourite spot
	And get busy devising a fiendish plot.

Exit Advisor.  Enter Tabidd and Manyra, wearing ridiculously over-the-top robes and cardboard crowns spray-painted gold.

MANYRA
	How do I look?

TABIDD
			My dear, your beauty’s iniquitous.
	I’m afraid my own is merely ubiquitous.

MANYRA
	Oh, aren’t you a sweet-heart, my dear schnoopy schnoo!
	I love you.

TABIDD
		No, I love you.

MANYRA
					No, I love you.

TABIDD
	Your eyes shine brighter than the brightest comet.

CHLOE
	Get me a bucket I’m going to vomit.

MANYRA
	Darling!

TABIDD
		Schnookums!

MANYRA
				Diddum-dumpling.

TABIDD
					Cutie-pie!

MANYRA
	If I were to lose you, I think that I’d die.

Exit Manyra and Tabidd.

CHLOE
	As if she would when it came to the crunch.
	You should tone it down before I lose my lunch.

LEAH
	What’s wrong with romantic preoccupation?

CHLOE
	They’re just in the grip of an infatuation.

LEAH
	Whatever.  I think that it works really well.
	I don’t care what you say, my book’s going to sell.

CHLOE
	Fine.  Just don’t blame me when it all goes to hell.

Exit Chloe.  Blackout.

SCENE 8

Writing class again. Maria, Derek, Leah, and Cameron are seated—Chloe’s chair is conspicuously vacant.

LEAH
So…

MARIA
Is this a continuation of the piece we read last week?

LEAH
No, it’s a completely new story.

MARIA
I find Princess Samarey’s situation quite poignant, yet you seem to have very little sympathy towards her.

LEAH
Well, Samarey isn’t meant to be a likeable character.

MARIA
And I’m not sure I understand Zyaci’s motivation for falling in love with Monique.  

DEREK
She seems bland and lifeless, a bourgeois paradigm.

LEAH
Does she?

MARIA
I don’t want to give a negative vibe, but at the moment the story seems trite.  You rely on sensationalism to create a sense of meaning, but fail to really scratch the surface of your subject matter.

DEREK
Yes.  Yes, I agree completely.  I get a sense there are some Oh-dipal issues here.

LEAH
Oedipal?

DEREK
You know, like with Freud.

LEAH
Cam?  What do you think?

CAMERON
I…  It’s nice.

LEAH
Nice.

CAMERON
Well, I didn’t really get through it all.

DEREK
I don’t mean to criticise, but I have some problems with the plot, characters, and overall flow of the story.

LEAH
Anything else?

MARIA
I don’t want you to feel disheartened, Leah, but—

DEREK
Wait!  I have an idea!  You know what would make this story work?  You need to draw out the themes and make them relevant to a contemporary audience.  Take the characters and set the story in a student share-house in Brunswick.

MARIA
What an exciting idea!

LEAH
I’m not sure that would really—

DEREK
No, think about it.  Samarey’s fighting against patriarchal oppression.  Zyaci’s forced into the army when he just wants to write music.  And Monique…  Monique could represent the boredom inherent in our souls.  It could be so powerful.

LEAH
I don’t see what’s wrong with Monique.

MARIA
She just lacks any sense of depth.  Look, Leah, I feel what the class is trying to say is that we respond well to this piece, but it could be improved.  Experiment with some other styles and see what you can come up with.  Now, let’s move onto Derek’s pieces.

DEREK
Alright, I have a couple of pieces.  They’re all quite short.

MARIA
Short is good.  It means you can read them out to us.

DEREK
What?  Aloud?

MARIA
I know it seems scary, but this… this space is non-judgmental.

DEREK
Okay.  I just—  Okay.  The first one’s called “Numbers”:
Last week I woke to the sterile sound of my alarm.  7:05 it flashed, in soulless red digits.  I left my house and stepped onto the footpath, noticing my mailbox as I passed, and the iron number 37 nailed to its front.  Inside were 3 new letters, my HECS account, my gas bill, and my electricity bill.  All of them were filled with numbers.  Account numbers.  Telephone numbers.  Dates.  Itemised lists of my life as food, shelter, and basic needs were reduced to catalogues of the capitalist system.
I waited at the bus stop, bound by the watch on my wrist.  I felt it pulling down on my hand like a chain, like I was a convict prisoner bound in irons.  I thought of my ancestors and how they were herded onto the prison ships.  They were shoved out of sight for stealing their families enough food to survive.  They were brought to this strange land as nothing more than numbers.  They were dumped here in a prison, this “land of opportunity”.  And we think now we are the lucky country.  But are we?  Are we?

MARIA
See?  That wasn’t so hard.

DEREK
I kind of wanted to express how I feel trapped, and how, politically, capitalism reduces us to numbers.

MARIA
I can see you have a great deal of passion for your subject matter.  What do you feel, Leah?

LEAH
Yeah, it was great.

MARIA
I think your style is very appropriate too.  Dry and detached, like the world you’re describing.  I can feel your alienation.  Now do we have any suggestions on how Derek might improve?  (She pauses.)  No, well it’s really hard to find anything to fault.  I think you’ve tapped something powerful within yourself.  Let’s move onto your next piece.

DEREK
Alright.  It’s called “Shopping Lists”.
HE BUYS:
1 packet of chips
1 jar of Vegemite
2 litres of softdrink
500g minced beef
1 McCain Frozen Pizza
	SHE BUYS:
	3 tomatoes
	2 carrots
	1 eggplant
	1 onion
	1 packet of lentils
	THEY BUY:
	Our future.

During Derek’s piece the lights slowly start to turn red and a low roaring sound begins as a soft hum and gradually grows louder.

LEAH
I can’t take it!  It’s horrible.  It’s just horrible!  This is not meaningful. It’s crap.  It’s complete and utter crap!

She pulls out a gun and turns on Maria

You, how can you sit through this with a straight face?  All of you!  I hate your pretension, and I hate your self-righteous shit.

She shoots Maria and Derek.

CAMERON
Leah…

LEAH
And you’re the worst of them all because you pretend to be my friend, but do you ever bother to read anything I write?  Oh no, that would be way too much effort.  I love you, and you never care.  Why don’t you ever care?

By the end of this the roaring sound’s so loud that Leah has to scream to be heard over the top of it.  It cuts out abruptly after her last word.  The lights will have dimmed just to red by this stage, followed by a black-out.
 
Lights up.  Everyone’s in their seat as normal— the whole incident was in Leah’s head.

MARIA
Wow, Derek.  That was really profound.  And I think this is important to illustrate that we can find art anywhere.

DEREK
Exactly!  That’s what I was trying to say.

MARIA
Even in a shopping list.  I don’t want you to be inhibited by conventional notions of storytelling.  (She looks at her watch.)   Oh dear, I don’t think we have time for your final piece, but we’ll have you first up next class.  I guess I’ll see you all next week.

Maria, Derek, and Cameron pack up.  Leah just sits there.  Exit Maria and Derek.  Cameron puts his hand on Leah’s shoulder, but she shakes it off.  Exit Cameron.

Blackout.

SCENE 9

Lights up.  Enter Leah, who marches to her desk.

LEAH
Advisor!

Enter Advisor.

What kind of fiendish plot have you come up with?

ADVISOR
	A plan to gain me the King’s approbation
	Beginning, you’ll see, with intoxication.
Let me explain my nefarious design.
	You’ve noticed the Queen has a weakness for wine?
	She drinks it each night before going to bed.
	It doesn’t take much to go straight to her head.
	I’ve brewed a poison to slip in her chalice,
	Which, though on my part is done without malice,
	Will make her most appallingly horribly ill.
	And none of the healers with all of their skill
	Will be able to heal her frightful malaise.
	She’ll slip deeper into a feverish daze.
	The King will grow frantic as all of them fail,
	And darling Queen schnookums increasingly frail.
	That’s when I enter in my dashing capote,
	And skilfully give her the right antidote.
	
LEAH
	Fine, although ideally I’d want them to die—
	Firstly the tutor, then the shopping-list guy.

Advisor bows and starts to exit.

Wait!
	Delay a little time and then do your worst.
	I want to discuss something with the King first.

Exit Advisor.  Enter King.

TABIDD
	We hear that you beg leave to see Us, Healer.
	Proceed, but be quick.  We have half composed a
	Most magical sonnet in four tender parts,
		“Manyra, you are my heart, my breath, my life.
		How blessed are we to be husband and wife…”

LEAH
	My Lord, as much as your sonnet enchants me,
	To hear it in full is extravagancy.	
	Your poetry shows a passionate muse, but
	I’m here before you because I have grave news.
	Do you recall a man named Zyaci Cade?
	You once spared his life when his cousin betrayed
	Us all.  You sentenced him to serve a penance.

While Leah is speaking, the Advisor enters with a goblet of wine and poison.  He conspicuously poisons the wine and leaves it on Leah’s desk.  Exit Advisor.

TABIDD
	Zyaci.  We remember.  A musician
	Who wove his songs with dangerous magicks.
	We spared his life on the condition that he
	Become an honest soldier in Our army.

LEAH
	The other day, he came to see me in the
	Temple.  He played me a song with his magic.

TABIDD
	He broke his penance?  Spurned Our gracious mercy?

LEAH
	He seems to care for no one except himself.

TABIDD
	He shows Us and Our Kingdom great disrespect.
	Thank-you, you are truly a loyal subject.

LEAH
	It’s not as though Zyaci’s going to care,
	Since at best, he’s a badly-drawn character.

TABIDD
	An offence like this demands retribution.
	He must be found and held for execution.
	Advisor!

Enter Advisor.

		Find Soldier Cade and bring him here.

Exit Advisor.

	We must reward you for this information.
	Provided it wasn’t a fabrication.		

LEAH
	My Lord, how could I make up something like that?

TABIDD
	Of course you wouldn’t, Our question was idle.

He sights the wine on Leah’s desk.

	Look, someone has brought Us a goblet of wine.
	It’s aroma is deliciously fine.

He goes to drink it, but stops and continues speaking.

	Would you have some cheese?  Spiced gouda will do.
	No?  Some truffles perhaps?  Or tiramisu?
	Something tasty I can savour—
	What’s important is the flavour.

He goes to drink again, but is distracted by the Advisor entering.

ADVISOR
	My Lord, I’ve brought the traitor as commanded.

Tabidd puts the wine back on Leah’s desk.

TABIDD
	You’ve brought Soldier Cade?

ADVISOR
				Yes, my Lord.

TABIDD
					Show him in.

Leah backs away upstage.  Advisor goes to a door and fetches Zyaci.

ZYACI
	I am not a traitor.  I did nothing wrong.

ADVISOR
	On your knees before the King, boy, show respect!
	Remember His Majesty’s always correct.

He pushes Zyaci to his knees.

ZYACI
	My lord, I don’t understand what I’m supposed—

TABIDD
	Soldier, you broke the first rule of your penance.
	I know, so abandon your paltry pretence.

ZYACI
	I haven’t used my magic, I swear…  Monique.
	Why are you here?  What’s going on?

TABIDD
	She loyally told Us of your grievous wrong

LEAH
	I don’t love you Zyaci.  You’re not even real.

ZYACI
	Was it all pretend?  Even when we danced?

LEAH
	It’s not my problem that you were entranced.

TABIDD
	Healer, please!  We are trying to pass sentence,
	We can’t concentrate with your interference.
	This terrible crime has appalled and dismayed
	Our conscience. Therefore, unhappy Soldier Cade,
	You are hereby sentenced to be beheaded.
	Take him away!

ADVISOR
			Yes, my Lord. (To Zyaci.)  You, to your feet!

ZYACI
	My lord, I beg you, take mercy upon me.
	I have served you with the utmost loyalty.
	I am a good citizen—tell him, Monique.
	I’m going to die.  Will you not even speak?

TABIDD
	Take him to the dungeon and lock him away.
	His execution will be tomorrow day.

Exit Advisor with Zyaci..
	
	Where was I?  Of course, my sweet sonnet of love:
		“You have skin like silk and a voice like a dove.
		You’re a blossoming flower in September.”
	I should write that down while I still remember.
	
Exit Tabidd.

LEAH
Well, that’s done.

She walks over to the desk and finds something of Cameron’s.  She picks it up and looks at it, then puts it down and exits (to the kitchen).  Chloe enters.

CHLOE
Here, queeny, queeny…  Anyone at home?  No.  Leah the leading lady has taken some time off.  Shouldn’t do that.  Won’t keep up with all the crucial details.  Like who’s still alive.

Chloe pulls out an identical goblet and a bottle of wine from her bag.  She pours it, adds poison from a small vial.

Leah had a little queen,
A charming, doll-faced bride,
Who foiled the princess’ every plan
Until the day she died.

Chloe takes the original goblet with her and exits.  Enter Manyra.

MANYRA
	Tabidd, my darling, are you in here?  Say yes.
	I have been looking since noon, and I confess
	I can’t find you anywhere.  While absence may
	Make other hearts grow fonder, my own aches.

She picks up the goblet.

	Spiced wine.  How thoughtful.  I wonder who brought it
	So thoughtfully before I’d even sought it.

She drinks.

The drink, the drink!  I am poisoned!

Enter Tabidd and Advisor.

ADVISOR
	My lady, what’s happening?  We heard you cry out.

Manyra dies.

TABIDD
	O Sugarpie, tell Us the cause of your shout.

ADVISOR
	My Lord, this cup bears traces of a toxin.

TABIDD
	How much?

ADVISOR
		Enough to kill a dozen oxen.

TABIDD
	Someone has poisoned my sweetness sublime?
	Who would dare commit such a heinous crime?

Enter Leah with a bottle of Diet Coke.

ADVISOR
	My lord, this is a sudden calamity,
	But I suspect it need not end in tragedy.

LEAH
What’s going on?

ADVISOR
	I know a little of healing, and I believe
	I can offer your Queen a perfect reprieve.

LEAH
Hey!  I’m not even up to this bit.

TABIDD
	Healer Monique, thank heavens you’re about.
	The light of my life, my Queen, has passed out.

LEAH
	My lord, this occurrence has me astounded,
	I’m afraid her symptoms leave me confounded.

TABIDD
	You can’t help her, Healer?  Manyra, wake up!
	O, why did you drink from that accursed cup?

ADVISOR
	The Healer cannot help her, my lord, it’s true,
	But there may be something that I can do.				
	I stole this from the Medusa’s mouth.  It’s pure.
	A healing elixir that may be the cure.

Advisor administers the elixir to Manyra.

TABIDD
	Manyra, stay with me, you’re going to be fine.
	This elixir will purge that poisonous wine.
	Advisor, what’s wrong?  Why doesn’t she wake?

ADVISOR
	I don’t know.  I fear there has been some mistake.

LEAH
	Don’t look at me like that.  I don’t understand.
	This seems to be completely out of my hands.

TABIDD
	Manyra?  No!  The Queen has died!
	Woe is me!  And woe betide
	Us all.  This is the beginning of the end.

He pulls out a dagger.

ADVISOR
	My lord, I realise that you’re very distressed.
	But as a method of coping, let me suggest
	There are better ways to mourn your bride
	Than a hasty, blood-soaked suicide.

TABIDD
	But she was my heart, my soul, my life, my breath.
	How can I keep living after her death?
	Stand back, loyal subjects, I give you warning,
	You cannot ease my anguished mourning.
	It was spring till this unhappy accident.
	Now is the winter of Our discontent.
	O, this pain is more than I can stand.
	See here, A cup closed in my true love’s hand.
	Foul poison has been her timeless end.
	And so, farewell.  I do not intend
	To face the world without her.

He stabs himself.

	O, the pain!  I’m afraid there’s no way but this:
	Killing myself, to die upon a kiss.

LEAH
Is he—?

Advisor starts forward to check Tabidd’s pulse, but Tabidd suddenly sits up.

TABIDD
	How, not dead?  Not dead?
Never, never, never, never, never. (He stabs himself with every repetition of ‘never’)
	The rest is silence.

Tabidd dies.  Advisor cautiously checks his pulse.

ADVISOR
	The King is dead.  The deed is done.

LEAH
	I wonder what the hell went wrong.
This is such a mess.  I should just start over
And leave this thing to supernova.

Exit Leah.  Advisor picks up the goblet and considers it.

ADVISOR
You realise, with your lordship dead and gone
Princess Samarey’s next in line for the throne.
And while you were a biddable king, Majesty,
She’s never viewed my advice favourably.
Well done, your lordship.  You finally cracked it.
My plan is wrecked cause you overreacted.
Though I still don’t know where it all went awry,
I never intended your Lordships should die—
I obtained that antidote at no small cost.
I suspect I might have been double-crossed.
Well, it’s not over yet, I’m still in charge
Until everyone knows and the funeral barge
Is set to burn with your bodies.  For now,
I will imprison the Princess for killing the King.
Her execution will be the very first thing
Tomorrow morning.

Advisor puts down goblet, and notices Chloe’s book on Leah’s desk.

	What’s this?  Someone has left here a book
Of secrets.  Let me take a look.
	Every page seems clean of ink,
	Though that may be to make me think,
	By magical means or some such contrivance,
	These pages are of no importance.
	But I won’t be fooled, a book is power.
	I’ll take this with me to my tower
	Where, perusing at my leisure,
	I’ll ascertain its mystic treasure.

Blackout.  Exit King, Queen, & Advisor.

SCENE 10

Lights up – a cage has been brought on, which Chloe is locked in.  Leah has fallen asleep at her desk.  Enter Cameron (he’s in the living room and she’s in her bedroom, the door is shut.)

CHLOE
Cameron?

He doesn’t hear her.

CAMERON
Leah?  Leah, are you home?  It’s Cam.

Leah wakes up, but doesn’t answer.  Cam listens at her door.

Leah?   I’m really sorry for what happened in class today.  You shouldn’t let them get you down.  They’re just jerks.

LEAH
Go away!

CAMERON
Can I get you anything?  Tea?  Hot chocolate?

LEAH
You don’t have to pretend to be my friend.   I’m not stupid.

CAMERON
Are you mad at me cause I hadn’t read your piece?

LEAH
What do you fucking think?

CAMERON
Leah, I’m sorry.  I’ll read some now, if you like.  Maybe that bit you mentioned—with Zyaci and his spunky love interest.

LEAH
You mean his bland, lifeless love interest.  And what make you think he isn’t her love interest?

CAMERON
Well, it’s hard to tell without having read it.

LEAH
Exactly!

CAMERON
Jesus, Leah!  The whole world doesn’t revolve around you, you know.

LEAH
Fuck you.

CAMERON
I’m going to the spare room—come and see me when you want to talk to me.  Or if you want me to leave…  I’ll order pizza, okay?

LEAH
Fine.

Cameron moves upstage and centre to a space representative of the spare room, settles himself on the floor—sorts through his bag and unpacks his composing stuff—manuscript paper and a pencil.

CHLOE
Cameron!  Can you hear me?

He doesn’t respond.

Some bloody fairytale!  This has gone far enough.  They’re going to execute me.  I want out.

GUARD 1 (offstage)
Quiet down there!

Chloe pulls a face and sits on the floor of her cage.  Cameron starts experimenting with a tune.  After singing it a few times, Chloe harmonises with it.  Cameron looks around, as though he heard something.  

CAMERON
Leah?

He sings something else, and Chloe harmonises with that.  Cameron starts looking for the source of her voice.  Enter Advisor with two Guards (played by the same actors as the King & Queen, wearing academic caps & robes)

ADVISOR
No singing in the cells, Princess.  You are not above the law.

CHLOE
I was only—

ADVISOR
Quiet!  You are in the presence of The Book.

He holds up Chloe’s book.

GUARD 1
All hail The Book.

GUARD 2
Praise be to The Book.

CHLOE
That’s my book!

ADVISOR
Blasphemy!

CHLOE
Why?  It’s not holy.  It doesn’t even have any words.

GUARD 1
The Book transcends words.

GUARD 2
It is above and beyond words.

GUARD 1
And we must obey.

GUARDS (together)
Praise be.  Praise be to The Book.

CHLOE
At least we’re not still all speaking in rhyming verse.

ADVISOR (reading from the book)
Rule 957: Thou shalt not speak in rhyming verse.  Rhyming is trite, amateur, and old-fashioned.

CHLOE
It doesn’t say that.  You’re reading from a blank page.

ADVISOR
The rule is obvious.

GUARDS (together)
Praise be to the rule.  Praise be to The Book.

CHLOE
What’s Rule 958?  Thou shalt not mix thy metaphors?

ADVISOR
Don’t be foolish, Princess.  That is Rule 17.  Rule 958 is the Mutual Exclusivity Rule—no book that sells shall win the Booker Prize, and nothing that wins the Booker Prize shall ever sell.

CHLOE
Do you even know what the Booker Prize is?

ADVISOR
I don’t need to.  It’s a fundamental truth.

GUARD 2
So spake the critic.

CHLOE
Rule… 86?

ADVISOR
Thou shalt write thy “urban youth stories” with frequent drugs, sex, and expletives—because this behaviour defines young people today.

CHLOE
Uh-huh.  How many of these rules are there?

ADVISOR
Difficult to say.  The last part’s on post-modernism, and the words have been mixed up and reconstructed at random.

GUARD 1
Thus spake the critic.

GUARD 2
Praise be.

ADVISOR
Enough of this chatter!  I came down here, princess, to warn you there’ll be no more singing.  That is all.  Come along.

Exit Advisor and Guards.  Meanwhile Cameron has completed his circuit of the stage, and returned to the spare room, where he sits back down.  He sings some more, and Chloe again starts to harmonise.  Cameron follows the sound of her voice until eventually their hands touch and he opens his eyes to see her reaching through the bars.

CAMERON
Chloe?

CHLOE
You can see me?

Cameron looks around, evidently able to see the fantasy garden.

CAMERON
What the fuck?

CHLOE
Apparently they’re all part of the fairytale.

Enter Advisor and Guards.

ADVISOR
Zyaci Cade!  I might have known.

CAMERON
Excuse me?

ADVISOR
Arrest him and throw him back in his cell.

CAMERON
Did Leah put you up to this?  Leah, I don’t know how you managed to—  (The Guards grab him.)  Alright, alright, that’s enough.  Joke’s over.

ADVISOR
You think I jest, Zyaci?

CAMERON
And you can call me Cameron.  Ow!  Careful!

They throw Cameron in the cage with Chloe.

ADVISOR
Soldier Cade, I do not know the cause of your delusion, but it buys you no sympathy.  You will be executed tomorrow morning with the princess.

CAMERON
Is this meant to be kinky or something?  Because I’m really not into—

ADVISOR
Enough!  Good-bye Zyaci, Princess.  I will see you on the morrow.

Exit Advisor and Guards.

CAMERON
Well, he was a bit intense.

CHLOE
It’s not a joke.

CAMERON
Yeah.

CHLOE
I’m serious.  We’re really going to die unless we find a way out.

CAMERON
How did Leah rope you into this?  I didn’t realise you were friends.

CHLOE
We’re not.  And after living here, I wouldn’t be her friend if you paid me.

CAMERON
She’s not that bad.  She just gets a bit worked up about her writing.

CHLOE
Are you two together?

CAMERON
(Too quickly.)  No!  I mean, it would never work.  We’re too used to just being friends.

CHLOE
But you’re into her.

CAMERON
What is this?  High-school?

Leah stands and moves centre-stage looking for Cameron.

LEAH
Cam, I’ve decided to—  Cam?

CAMERON
Leah!

CHLOE
She can’t hear you.

LEAH
Cam?  Are you still here?

CAMERON
Leah!

LEAH
Damn.

CAMERON
Come on, Leah, this isn’t funny.

Cameron’s mobile is in Leah’s bag.  It rings.  She rifles through, finds it, and answers it.

LEAH
Hello, Cameron Evans’ mobile. …  No, this is Leah. …  Sorry, Mrs Evans, he seems to have just popped out, but he’s left his stuff here, so he should be coming back soon. …  Appointment for what? 

CAMERON
Shit!

LEAH
…I don’t know.  Is he sick? …  (Joking.) They need to check if he’s retarded? …  Oh. …  Oh, I see. …  No, he never told me.  How long has he been…  Jesus. …  Yeah, sure.  I’ll tell him. …  Alright. …  Goodbye, Mrs Evans.

She ends the call and puts the phone down.

CAMERON
I can’t believe that Mum…  Fuck!

CHLOE
Do you have… cancer?

CAMERON
Actually, I’m retarded.  It’s type of dyslexia.

CHLOE
Oh yeah, your parents told me.  So you can’t read and write?

CAMERON
I can.  I just suck at it.

CHLOE
Since when?

CAMERON
Since always.

CHLOE
Why did you join a writing class, then?

CAMERON
I dunno.  Stupid idea, evidently.  I thought I might be able to…  Leah asked me.  Oh god, look at her.  Isn’t there any way to talk to her?

CHLOE
When she’s writing.  This is her story, after all.  

CAMERON
Leah made all this up?

CHLOE
Mostly.  Sometimes it seems to have a life of its own.  She writes it though, and sometimes she plays one of the characters—Monique, I think her name is.

CAMERON
Leah plays Monique?  Oh god.  Are you sure?

CHLOE
Yes, but she doesn’t believe its real.

CAMERON
I have to talk to her.

CHLOE
Then you better help me figure out how to escape.

Blackout.

SCENE 11

Music in blackout—funeral dance stuff—increasing in volume while the guillotine is brought on.

Lights up.  Leah has fallen asleep where she was sitting, waiting for Cam.  The Advisor addresses the audience while the guards hand out macabre lollies—little gummy bears with nooses around their necks, toffee heads on a stick, teddy-bear biscuits with their heads broken off, dipped in red food-dye—that kind of thing.

GUARD 1
Come and see the execution!

GUARD 2
Execution today!

GUARDS (ad lib, harrassing audience members.)
Are you here to see the execution?  Are you coming to the execution?  Have you ever seen a guillotine etc.

ADVISOR
Ladies and gentlemen, don’t be shy!  You are here for the thrill.  And who wouldn’t be?  This is the grand event—the ultimate spectacle.  Death, ladies and gentlemen, here and now before your very eyes.  You will witness today two extraordinary executions.  The felons are quaking in their cells, shivering in anticipation of what is to come.  And they are no common criminals—one has royal blood in her veins, the other is a traitor.  First, Princess Samarey—guilty of treason and fratricide.  

GUARDS (from the aisles)
Shame!  Shame on the princess!

ADVISOR
And secondly, Soldier Cade—whose cousin betrayed the city, who himself indulged in unholy arts.

GUARD 1
Villain!  

GUARD 2
Traitor!

ADVISOR
These wanton creatures will today be brought to the guillotine, and there we will hear them scream.

Guard 2 screams.

ADVISOR
They will beg for mercy.

GUARD 1
Oh please, great Advisor, do not hurt me.  I am truly contrite!

Advisor smiles and pushes them away.

ADVISOR
We will bring them out, and we will cut off their heads.

GUARDS (together, moving back to the stage)
Cut off their heads!  Cut off their heads!  Cut off their heads… etc. (They keep repeating this, trying to persuade the audience to join in.).

ADVISOR
Wait!  What is this?  (He points to Leah.)  A strange creature, half in this world and half beyond.

Leah yawns and sits up, oblivious.

She wakes!

GUARD 2
What do we do with it?

ADVISOR
We can’t have it disturbing the execution.  Get rid of it!

GUARD 1
How, Great Advisor?

GUARD 2
Yes, how?

ADVISOR
Use The Book!

GUARD 2
Of course, The Book.

GUARD 1
Praise be to The Book.

The Guards circle Leah.  She can’t see them, but looks uncomfortable and sometimes almost seems to hear them as she yawns, sits up, looks at her watch, scrambles for her diet coke, and wanders over to her desk.

GUARD 1
The first rule is: Thou shalt restrain thy imagination.

GUARD 2
The second rule is:  There is no such thing as originality.

ADVISOR
That ought to fix her.

GUARD 1
The third rule is: Thou shalt not try to be clever.

GUARD 2
The fourth rule is: Thy emotions are base and must be refined.

GUARD 1
The fifth rule is: Thou shalt not be self-indulgent.

GUARD 2
Sentimentality is right out.

GUARD 1
The sixth rule is: Thou art a demographic, not a person.

Leah’s leafing through her drafts by this stage.

LEAH
Oh god, this is horrible.  This is really, really bad.
 
GUARD 2
Thou shalt not mix thy metaphors.

LEAH
Holy crap. I am on drugs.

GUARD 1
Thou shalt not indulge in cliches.

LEAH
Is it all like this?  It can’t be all like this.

She starts to pace around the stage as she works through her drafts.

ADVISOR
Ladies and gentlemen, enough distractions.  Let us not forget why we came here today.  We are to witness—nay, to participate in—that most glorious of spectacles, the execution.  Bring out the prisoners!

The Guards get Chloe and Cameron from their cage.

The traitor and the princess!  To think, in the end, you should come to this.

CHLOE
You can’t kill us.  You’re not even real.

ADVISOR
Not real?  Not real?  People, the princess has taken refuge from her fear in delusions.

CAMERON
Leah!  I thought you said she could hear us when she’s writing.  

ADVISOR
Take them to the block!

Guards take Cameron and Chloe to the guillotine, and fit their heads to the block.

CAMERON
Leah!  Monique!

Leah looks up, but then shrugs and looks down again.

ADVISOR
You think she will save you?  She betrayed you, Soldier.  She poised the blade above your neck.

CHLOE
She’s too wrapped up in her own world—like the Lady of Shalott.

CAMERON
You know, you two aren’t all that different.

LEAH
Look at this—passive voice all over the place.

ADVISOR
Thou shalt not use the passive voice.

LEAH
And this!  Six consecutive sentences with the same rhythm.

ADVISOR
Thou shalt vary thy sentence rhythms.

LEAH
What is wrong with me?  It’s like that Chloe girl has got inside my head and she’s talking and talking and I can’t shut her off.  I can’t even tell what’s happening any more.  All I can see are the words.  

ADVISOR
Enough.  Execute them! 

LEAH
This paragraph has no point.

CHLOE
This is all in her head, you know.

LEAH
And the typos are atrocious!

CHLOE
She’s probably broken every rule in their sacred book.

CAMERON
You just never stop, do you?

CHLOE
What’s that supposed to mean?

CAMERON
No wonder she’s so bloody morbid.

CHLOE
I’m not going to sugarcoat the truth.

CAMERON
Who cares what literary rules she broke?

ADVISOR
You dare to question The Book, traitor?

CAMERON
I don’t question it.  I just don’t think it’s important.

GUARD 1
Heresy!

GUARD 2
Blasphemy!

ADVISOR
You are not just a traitor.  You are an abomination.  Stand back from him.  He is tainted.

The guards back away.  Cameron stands cautiously and then hurries over to Leah.  The Guards hiss at him as he goes.  Chloe tries to get up, but they grab her and push her back down.

CHLOE
You’ve got to be joking.

Chloe, the Guards, and the Advisor freeze.

CAMERON
Leah?

LEAH
Cam?  Is that you?

CAMERON
Hey.

LEAH
Hey.

Awkward pause.

LEAH
Your mother rang.  You missed your appointment.

CAMERON
I’m sorry.  I should have told you.

LEAH
I don’t see why you’re apologising.  I’m the insensitive jerk.

CAMERON
Well, you were when you killed off Zyaci.

LEAH
You read it?  How embarrassing.

CAMERON
It wasn’t that embarrassing.

LEAH
Thanks.  What did you think of Monique?

CAMERON	LEAH
Well, I…	Never mind.

CAMERON
I liked her.

LEAH
She doesn’t look like Charlize Theron, you know.

CAMERON
Actually, I kind of imagined her like you.

LEAH
What?  Witty and stunning?

CAMERON
Something like that.

LEAH
I’m starving.  Have you eaten?

CAMERON
No.

LEAH
I think we have left-over pizza.  I could make stir-fry.  Nachos?  (To the tune of Macho man) Nacho, nacho Leah.  I want to be a nacho Leah.

CAMERON
Leah…

LEAH
What?

CAMERON
Nachos are good.

LEAH
Alright then.

CAMERON
Leah.  Just supposing, hypothetically, that I ever got to meet Monique, I think I’d ask her out.

LEAH
Would you.

CAMERON
Hypothetically.

LEAH
Well, hypothetically, Monique would probably say yes.

Exit Cameron and Leah.

ADVISOR
Well, Princess, it seems it’s down to you.  Execute her!

CHLOE
Wait!  I don’t believe in your book either.

ADVISOR
Nice try.  Next time do it with conviction.

Cue drum roll as lights dim.

CHLOE
Wait!  You can’t be serious.  Leah!  Cameron!  This is just a fairytale.  It’s just a fa—

Blackout—sound of guillotine dropping.

SCENE 12

Lights up on writing tute—Maria, Derek, Cameron, and Leah are seated.  They begin to pack up.

MARIA
Well that just about wraps things up for today.  I feel we are really beginning to make progress.  Leah, are you going to bring in anything next week?

LEAH
I don’t know.  I think I might need to take a break from writing for a week or two.  Clear my head.

MARIA
Sometimes we need to give ourselves creative space.  What about you, Cameron?

CAMERON
I think I’m going to withdraw from the subject.

MARIA
Maybe that’s for the best.  How are your pieces progressing, Derek?

 DEREK
I’m afraid I’m going to have to join the bad news party.  My exchange has been confirmed and I leave next week.

CAMERON
Where are you going?

DEREK
Thailand.  I’m going there to some of the poorer areas to teach English.

MARIA
That’s wonderful!

DEREK
I’m pretty pleased.  Anyway, I’ve made you all a good-bye present.  It’s a book of my short pieces.  It’s entitled:  A Year, or 365 days.  Call it what you like.  I call it my life.  (He hands round copies.)  Anyway, I thought I could read one to you as you pack up and leave.  It will be my special farewell.   It’s called: Ode to a Tram.

Leah & Cameron exchange glances and leave.

MARIA
Oh Derek, I’m thrilled, but I have a meeting.

DEREK
It’s not very long.

MARIA
I’m sorry.  Departmental duty.

DEREK
I understand.

MARIA
Good luck in Thailand.

DEREK
Farewell.

Exit Maria.  Enter Chloe.

CHLOE
Sorry I’m late.  It’s just been such a nightmare.  Where is everyone?

DEREK
They’ve gone, but you’re just in time to hear my piece.  Please, sit.

CHLOE
Actually, I—

She can’t think of an excuse and sits.

DEREK
Page 23…  (He’s about to read, but stops and addresses Chloe again.)  You and me, our modes of cultural production are so intrinsically analogous.

CHLOE
Are you saying we’re alike?

DEREK
Paradigmatically.  Just think, Chloe, we are the future of Australian writing.  Art, Chloe, art!

CHLOE
Yes, Derek, art.

She slumps in her chair.

DEREK
So, Ode to a Tram:
	The tram rattles, rattles, rattles its way down Swanston Street
	It carries people on their journeys,
	And it never complains.
	And I think: Why?
	Oh, why, tram, must you be constrained by the structuralist agenda to these timeworn tracks?
	It makes me mad.  Like a seagull.
	I wish they would abolish concrete.
	Ah tram, you dream of the day you will surf in the sea.
	Maybe, to you, this is rebellion.
	You think no-one sees, but I do.
	I see.  I cry.
	We are both alone.
Oh, how metatextual.

THE END